


Retro vs Modern: Performance Enhancing Drugs

by Naraht



Category: Cycling RPF, Global Cycling Network (Youtube)
Genre: Gen, Satire, doping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 09:13:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8885218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naraht/pseuds/Naraht
Summary: The edgiest, hardest-hitting 'Retro vs. Modern' yet.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chaosmanor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaosmanor/gifts).



> This story is both fiction and satire. I have no association with Global Cycling Network and do not believe that any of their presenters would take performance enhancing drugs, even in the interests of science. Hence the need for this story.
> 
> David Millar's appearance in this story is also fictional. However his experience with PEDs is documented.
> 
> http://www.telegraph.co.uk/cycling/2016/09/19/drugs-used-by-sir-bradley-wiggins-should-be-banned-says-david-mi/  
> http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/16/opinion/sunday/how-to-get-away-with-doping.html
> 
> David Millar vs. Dan Lloyd at the 2007 British National Championships: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXeWNH5jW5c

Alpe d'Huez. A brilliantly sunny day in June. Four men and their bikes, with a special guest about to arrive and an epic ride ahead of them. It ought to have been perfect.

Still, the men of the GCN Show couldn't help but feel a little nervous.

Perhaps this wasn't the best of ideas. But there were only so many pro bikes for Lasty to squat beside and they'd long ago exhausted the endless variations of 'what not to do on a bike.' They had five content slots a week to fill and an ocean of fickle YouTube subscriptions to capture. They had to fund Lloydy's mineral water habit and pay for the paint job on Lasty's custom Trek Madone 9.5. It was either this or get a proper job.

It wasn't as if they were strangers to controversy. After all they had dived into the disc brake ban, tested hidden motors, and even done a hard-hitting interview series with David Walsh. (Oddly enough, Lance Armstrong had never come calling.) 

Now it was time to tackle performance enhancing drugs head-on. The only question was how. 

'Ask a pro: what's your favourite performance enhancing drug?' would probably get them banned from the UCI Gala for life. And 'How to: dope like a pro' would send the wrong message in this new era of clean cycling.

So in the end there was only one choice.

***

"Welcome to a very special Retro vs Modern," said Dan, perching on his top tube at an angle just a little more edgy than usual. "Through the history of cycling, a wide variety of performance enhancing drugs have been used by the peloton in their quest for an edge. We get a lot of questions about PEDs, so we decided it was time to put them to the test."

"It goes without saying," put in Matt, "that doping is more dangerous than Chris Froome's famous top tube descent. Plus it can get you banned from racing for life – or at least for two years. So... don't try this at home."

"Today we have a special guest, a doping expert," said Si. "He dominated the sport before revelations about his use of performance enhancing drugs hit the front pages, rocking the sport to its foundations. and forever altering the outcome of one of cycling's most prestigious races. As a result the world of cycling will always be wondering who really won the 2003 individual world time trial." 

A Maserati pulled up to the side of the road. The door opened. Out of the car stepped a tall, lanky man wearing Oakley sunglasses and a skinsuit so impeccably crafted that it gave the impression of having been freshly ironed. As he approached the group, he lowered his shades.

"David Millar," said Matt, "our very own Drug Czar, welcome to GCN."

"Where's the bike?" asked Lasty.

David looked over his shoulder with an air of having forgotten something. Then he went back to awkwardly lift his bike out of the small boot of the Maserati.

"In the course of his seventeen-year cycling career," said Matt, "David raced for..."

"Fifteen year career, actually," said David dryly. "I was suspended for two years."

Matt didn't skip a beat. "In the course of his fifteen-year cycling career, he raced for a number of teams including Cofidis and Garmin, but he never made it to Team Sky."

"It's also worth mentioning," said Dan Lloyd, "that he never rode with Cervelo Test Team."

David smiled. "It's one of those might-have-beens that keeps me awake at night."

"Back in 2007," Matt continued, "David, Dan and I found ourselves in a breakaway together at the national road championships. I had a nasty crash – though to be fair I was dropped before that – and in the end David pipped Dan to the post."

"And if I'd had the benefit of having doped for most of my career..." said Dan darkly.

David looked unimpressed. "Well, that's what we're here to test, isn't it?"

"So," put in Matt briskly, conscious of the short attention span of YouTube viewers, "what we've done is this. Six weeks ago we all did this climb fresh from our usual training regimes, which involve no performance enhancing drugs of any kind..."

"We don't count espresso," said Si.

"...as I was saying, without performance enhancing drugs of any kind, though to be fair probably with quite a bit of beer in us. Since then, each of us has embarked upon our own pharmaceutical regimen. Or most of us have. I'm trying something a little different."

"We're going to do the climb again now," said Dan, "and see what difference PEDs really make. Shall we get going?"

"Let's," said Si. "And may the best drug win."

Fuelled by their old rivalry as much as by anything that might have been coursing through their bloodstreams, Dan and David set off at a pace more appropriate for the first stage of the Tour de France than for a mildly popular YouTube channel. Si hurriedly followed. Matt would have been right behind them, had he not – twice – failed to clip in.

There were some things that couldn't be fixed with drugs.

***

**POT BELGE**

As he powered up the mountain at a steady 80 rpm, Lasty addressed the camera with his usual laconic manner.

"So what I've taken today – about forty-five minutes ago, in fact – is that classic cocktail Pot Belge. It includes amphetamines, caffeine, pain killers and... they haven't told me quite what else, honestly, but I can assure you that I don't want to know. This cocktail, or something very much like it, was used by riders like Philippe Gaumont and Laurent Roux, and variations on it have been around in pro cycling since the very beginning. Like I said, it's proper old school."

Si rode up beside him. "Are you feeling any effects yet?"

"I do feel a bit more... peppy, if you want to call it that."

"That must be why you're so chatty!"

"Yeah, it's amazing." 

And it was amazing. Tom couldn't help but think that a morphine/cocaine cocktail would be just the trick to deal with leg cramp during those interminable shoots spent squatting next to pro bikes. But there were some things you couldn't say even on YouTube.

***

**TESTOSTERONE (et al)**

Jealous of Lasty? Never. But Dan did feel that, apart from Matt, he'd rather drawn the short straw.

"I've been experimenting with a cocktail of anabolic steroids, B12 and iron injections," he said, wincing slightly into the camera. "It was the state of the art into the late 80s, and by no means unknown in the following decades. The effect on my performance remains to be seen, but I do think that my guns have got just that little bit bigger."

He flexed one bicep experimentally. Not bad for an ex pro cyclist – which was to say, they still looked rather like pipe cleaners. Perhaps slightly more robust pipe cleaners, now. Still some way to go before he could rival Peter Sagan.

***

**EPO**

Si, still riding alongside Lasty, was rather more pleased with his lot.

"My drug of choice is the iconic erythropoetin, better known as EPO, that classic of the nineties and early noughties. It's impossible to hear EPO mentioned without thinking of cycling legends like Lance Armstrong and Floyd Landis – and vice versa. Those classic attacks on climbs like this would have been impossible without this drug. If you've ever thought that the Tour was much more exciting back in the Armstrong era, take a moment to consider that the thanks might be due to EPO."

With that introduction, he stood up on the pedals, and left Lasty in the dust. Easily.

About a hundred yards up the road, he let up. It was enough to prove the point.

"And there you have it. As Greg Le Mond once said, it never hurts less, you just go faster. I'm certain he wasn't talking about PEDs, though. Fairly certain."

He paused for a quick swig from his GCN Camelbak® water bottle. (Now available in special limited edition red.)

"One very retro drug that none of us have had the guts to try, just so you know, is strychnine. Also known as rat poison. It stimulates muscle contractions, and apparently it was still in use at the last Olympics by some weightlifters. Better them than us!"

***

**KENACORT**

"Two weeks ago," said David Millar, addressing the camera in tones better suited to an Oprah confessional interview, "I had a 40mg injection of triamcinolone, a corticosteroid better known as Kenacort. That's the same dosage that I used to take back in my racing days. There never was much press interest in it, compared with EPO, until recently. Then we learned that Bradley Wiggins had three TUEs for this very drug, for allergies. The same dosage that I've had."

Matt, drafting determinedly in David's wake, cast an admiring – or perhaps envious – look at his skinsuited form.

"And has that helped to give you your, if I may say... rather streamlined physique?"

"Well, yes, it certainly has contributed. I've dropped a few kilos with no effort on my part. It takes off that last bit of fat and even that last bit of muscle that's surplus to requirements. And now my veins look like a bodybuilder's."

One close-up of the circulatory roadmaps traced down his arms and legs was enough to show that he was not exaggerating.

"It wouldn't fly on the fashion runway," said David. "But this is cycling."

***

**MARGINAL GAINS**

"And finally there's me," finished Matt. "I've been benefitting from the most modern techniques for legal performance enhancement, taking the approaches to 'marginal gains' made popular by Team Sky. I've tried out the wind tunnel, fine tuned my position on the bike. I've got a modern skinsuit, I'm eating rice cakes like my life depends on them. I'm even trying out these."

Matt tipped his head back a little, revealing a bit of plastic sticking out of each nostril of his – rather considerable – nose. A double eyebrow raise added to the effect.

"The Turbine Dilator, as used by Chris Froome in the Tour de France to improve his breathing capacity. Does it work? Well, it can't hurt trying.

"Most importantly, I've been experimenting with the real key to Team Sky's success: good, solid hard work. For modern cycling, there are no parties in Biarritz nightclubs. I've been on the road all hours and I'm ready to see what marginal gains can achieve."

In the foreground, David Millar smiled an ironic smile.

***

**THE RESULTS**

"Well, here we are at the top of Alpe d'Huez," said Dan, his jersey half unzipped. The view behind him only confirmed his statement. Si was nearby guzzling from a water bottle. "One thing I can say is that it's a hard climb, whether or not you're doping."

Tom nodded. "And Matt is still missing in action."

Water bottle now empty, Si peered down into the valley. "He's just down the road a bit, isn't he? There he is, down by that first switchback... no wait, that's a cow."

"I think he's just hidden by that copse a bit further along," said Dan.

"Must be," said Si.

"It could be, Si, that as part of his marginal gains approach he's adopting the yo-yo technique popularised by Chris Froome. He sets his own tempo, keeps the wattage steady, and just powers on. He may yet catch us in the end."

"But Dan, we're at the top of the climb already."

"That's true."

Together they looked down the hill. Matt finally came into view, labouring upwards. There was a long silence. Then a distant, distinctive laugh echoed through the valley.

His instincts honed by years of presenting, Dan spoke up to fill the void.

"While we're waiting to give you our final results, I can say that all of us – apart from Matt – have beat the times that we posted before our experiment began. Some of us by quite a significant margin. David, are you at all surprised by the results?"

"Not in the least," said David Millar dryly.

"Well, this has been the GCN show. If you click above David's head, you'll see our segment on what not to wear on the bike. And don't forget to subscribe..."


End file.
